There was a time when I thought that life had worn me down. When I felt so broken, that I didn't know if I had anything left to offer. I prayed to be invisible, and I meant it. I just wanted to raise my children and do right by them. I had lost the zest for my personal life. I know it's sad that I would let anything in life get to me that way, but sadly, I had. I remember being asked out on dates, and the thought of dating seemed ridiculous. I saw no reason to involve any other person in my life, and continued to pray for some invisibility. I don't know if anyone else has felt that way, but I had just walked away from a period in my life when I felt like I was living in a goldfish bowl, and living there with a not so nice a fish. And now I was in a stream, and I wanted to keep myself to myself. Funny how God has other ideas.
For a long time I had been made to feel worthless, and sadly I had started to believe it, till one day...
I was out with the kids, and I was driving along this one road, when a song came on the radio. A song by Darren Hayes called, are you where you want to be? And I thought about that for a moment. And for the first time I realized that I was free. The only person putting me down now, was myself. As I drove, I took in a deep breath, and as I exhaled, the breath left me in shudders, as I thought, "I'm alright. I'm not the most amazing person to walk the planet, and I don't have a catwalk figure, but that's okay. I'm a good person. I mean well. I'm doing my best. I LIKE ME." And that moment was amazing. I liked me again and I was going to be okay. I felt like I could suddenly breath deeper, that my lungs were bigger.
I'm so grateful for that experience, because before I knew it, Arlan came into my life. I didn't want to be some project to fix, I wanted to be someone that had something to offer, and someone who liked herself and was open to be loved.
Arlan is the kindest man I know, with the best laugh you will ever hear. I have never had my hand kissed before, and I remember him taking me out on a date, telling me I looked beautiful, as he took my hand in his and kissed it. He always gets the door for me, as well as my chair. Feminists everywhere may think what they want, but he is a complete gentleman, and is very respectful of me. He is the kind of man that parents hope their children will marry, and sometimes I wonder if my mum likes him more then she likes me!
On our first date, Arlan drove me up a mountain, and we sat at a look out point, enjoying the view of the lights below. Down in the valley the temperatures were nice and warm, but I hadn't accounted for how cold it would be up there. I was having such a wonderful time talking with Arlan and enjoying the view (Still talking about the lights) that I didn't want to admit I was cold. I didn't want the night to end. At one point he saw me shiver, and he looked horrified. He apologized forever, but he didn't need to.
When he proposed to me, he was so nervous that he had the ring box upside down, and all I could see was the inside of the lid. How cute is that? He didn't find it so cute, but I thought it was adorable.
He's my best friend, my soul mate, my cheering squad, and my shoulder to cry on, and holding his hand through this life, with the hope of holding it in the next, is my very favorite thought.
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