With all that I know and believe, I hate that you have gone. I still remember the phone call when you gave me the news that you were dying. It took a while for it to sink in, and even then, I wanted for some miracle to make it go away.
It had been years since I had heard from you, and I didn't want that to be the call I got, but somehow, in my heart I knew that it would be. Strange how we seem to know things.
I remember you telling me that you didn't understand how I could forgive you for things that had happened, but Dad, we have all made mistakes. I'm extremely flawed and just threaded with imperfections.
I missed every day you weren't around. I wrote you a letter every Fathers day and have them in a folder because I didn't have an address, but you were never forgotten. You were always missed, wanted and needed.
I hope you knew how much I loved you before you passed.
I wanted to be there for you, and as much as you understood, I hate that there was so much distance with me living in another country. I do think that I got to tell you things on the phone that may not have been said if I was with you. And those conversations are my favorite memories. We talked in a way that we never have before, and I thank you with all my heart for being so open with me.
Even though you were dying, and there seemed little to be grateful for, I loved Fathers Day. I loved sending you a blanket that I made with your granddaughter, Gabby. She poured all the love in the world into that blanket, and I hope it warmed your heart as well as your body, because you were tucked into bed with love.
Thank you for everything Dad. I know it wasn't easy to adopt a mixed race kid back in those days, and I know you took a lot of crap from so many people. It wasn't like today where you have your Brad and Angelina making it all look cool and easy. There were a lot of judgments, and a lack of understanding, even from family and friends.
Thank you for finding me again, after all these years, and not leaving this life without saying goodbye to me. I don't think I could have handled that.
Thank you for telling me you loved me too. I never stopped being your little girl Dad, and I never got too big to hear those words.
Forgive me for all the mistakes I have made. I know they are many. There are things that I'm so ashamed of that I can hardly stand to even admit them, and if I could take them back I truly would.
Even though you were absent for many years, knowing that you were somewhere out there, made things feel okay somehow. I hate the pain you suffered, and the fear you felt, and I'm so proud of you for being so strong and brave. For the times when you talked to me on the phone when you barely had enough breath to breath. And even when I would offer to get off the phone so you wouldn't have to struggle, you would stay on the line and give me all the breath you could spare until it was too much.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have broken down since your death. Although there was so much of my life without you around, I had no idea how deeply your life had impacted mine, and what a huge gaping hole you would leave me with. I know and believe I will see you again one day, but I'm an impatient pansy girl who wants her dad now.
The hardest thing I have done is pray for your suffering to be taken, because we both know what would have to happen for your suffering to leave. It was hard to do that when I just wanted to beg for your life to be made whole.
Your life is imprinted on my heart Dad. There is no doubt of that. I look forward to the day when I can see you again. My joy will be full when I get to wrap my arms around your neck and tell you I love you once more. Stay close to me Dad and know you are loved beyond measure.
The heartache I feel says a lot about you and the impact you have had on me. We must have done some things right!
By now you have figured out that there is a God. You can't go beyond the veil of this life and not realize a thing or two. I'm not right about many things, but I KNOW there is a God. And because I know this, I KNOW I will see you again. It doesn't make me miss you less. And grief is something we are suppose to experience, so knowing I will see you again may not make all the hurt go away. But it does give me hope Dad. I don't understand everything, but I do believe God has is aware of each and every one of us. He placed us together, and our love will continue forever.
Miss you till I see you again.
Lis x
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